I grabbed these from a pile in my daughter’s closet.

On Thursday, I left work. The frustration of not being heard — over and over again.

I work 4.7 miles from Stoneman Douglas High School and yet….

  1. We don’t have a perimeter fence. Anyone can park in the lot and walk by classroom windows until they get to the single point of entry.
  2. As you pull into the school, there is a field to the right. I could jump that fence and have access to portables, the three-story building and the main building.
  3. The three-story building is the same model as the three-story building that still sits on the campus of Stoneman Douglas High School, untouched until the end of the trial. He was able to get into that building because the three-story building was unlocked.
  4. The front door of our three-story building has been unlocked all year, because our principal decided that teachers could not handle the responsibility of having keys, worrying they would lose them. And somehow, this policy, to keep doors unlocked, was, until the Texas shooting, at the principal’s discretion.
  5. The backdoor of our main building was also unlocked so that teachers from the three-story building could get into the main building without a key.
  6. And for some unknown reason, other than administration not feeling like making any more moves, I spent the year in a portable with just one neighbor, our P.E. Coach. All other teachers moved into the main building or the three-story-building at the start of the 2021–2022 school year because enrollment was down and there were lots of empty rooms.
  7. There were empty rooms on the third floor of the three-story building but I could not go there because second graders are not allowed on the third floor. So for me to move, another teacher, who could be on the third floor, would have had to move and an administrator told me that they did not want to make anyone else move.
  8. After the Texas shooting, some higher beings decided that all doors in all buildings needed to be locked.
  9. Last week, when I was trying to leave work, I was trapped. I walked from my portable to the three-story-building and the door was locked. I need access to either the three-story building or the main building to get to the parking lot. I walked over to the main building, but as expected, that was locked too.
  10. I called a friend, who is also a colleague, and took a deep breath. She came down from the second floor of the three-story building and let me in. When I got home, I emailed the principal. He assured me that this would not happen again.
  11. It happened again. This time I was locked out of the main building with a student. This time I imagined seeing an armed person. There would have been nowhere to go.
  12. A colleague came out of the main building, heading to the three-story building, and the student and I went inside; she headed to her class and I chose the office instead of my original destination. To say something. But the principal told me that he was busy and he could not talk to me.
  13. According to his email to the higher beings, I misunderstood. He said that I was asked to wait a minute because he was busy working on safety issues. Of course I would have waited if I had been asked to wait.
  14. He needed to protect himself. That’s how it works. That’s what happened four years ago too. I expected nothing different.
  15. Later that day, I approached an assistant principal who was standing guard at the three-story building. He told me to be patient. Patient was part of the principal’s email too.
  16. This assistant principal told me that that they were trying to put a Band-Aid on the situation until the end of the school year. He also asked me where the security guard was, the one who should have been there to let me into the building. A Band-Aid? Where the guard was?
  17. Yet, I still felt it would be wrong to call downtown. We are conditioned to feel that way.
  18. I began explaining my frustration. The assistant principal, wearing dark sunglasses, told me that my voice was too loud and that he felt that I was yelling at him — It was time for me to call downtown.
  19. The next day. Lots of people. Lots of chaos. Unarmed people at every door letting me in and out. Not sure how that would work if there were a shooter. But okay.
  20. Thursday. I just wanted calm. I just wanted to come into work and do my job.
  21. I got to the end of the main building, to exit towards my portable, when I saw a group of teachers. One explained without me asking. They were locked out of the three-story building, waiting to be let in. Instead of waiting outside, they waited inside. I assume because it felt safer.
  22. But then one teacher proceeded to say that it was all okay. That our principal was doing the best he could. That she had been locked out for thirty minutes the other day and she was fine with it.
  23. I continued to my portable. A few minutes later, a colleague, a friend, came to my door. She made me smile. A birthday card, a slice of cake and a quart of mint chip ice cream. I headed over to the three-story building where a friend had a freezer. As I approached the building, an unarmed guard opened the door.
  24. We had become friendly over the past days. He had arrived a few days earlier. To my right, I saw the principal and the assistant principal talking to people. The guard thought I would be happy. That they were talking about refitting the locks and giving teachers keys that would open their classrooms and buildings. I looked at him and started crying. He understood. He hugged me. Over four years. Over four years to lock the doors and get me a key?
  25. I went upstairs, knocked on my friend’s door, went inside, and then I knew. I couldn’t stay. I was exhausted.
  26. I walked to my portable, put in an absence for the rest of the day and drove home. I took off my contacts, got into sweatpants and a t-shirt, grabbed a notebook and wrote down my thoughts. I called downtown — again.
  27. This time I was prepared. I was calm and articulate. I found two people. Their names are now in my phone. I never have to try to work things out at my job again. If I have a problem, I will call them. I took Friday off too.
  28. I almost didn’t write this story because I don’t want to feel this way. I just want to write happy stories. Happy stories about teaching.
  29. But I decided it was okay. And it is helping me. It does not mean that I am a negative unhappy person. And maybe sharing this story will motivate more change.
  30. It has been really hard to be a teacher lately — for a while. And it’s absolutely not because I don’t love these kids.
  31. I am going to press publish and then I am going to enjoy this rainy day. Hannah sent me a story of someone turning in their guns. That made me happy, and there will be a March again, on June 11, and that made me happy too.
  32. I am excited that next school year I will have keys to the buildings, and I am moving into a great room on the first floor of the three-story building, where I will create a space for my ELA Special, a job I am so excited about.
  33. I am hopeful that some of you out there can search for your connections and keep fighting too. Fight for gun reform. Fight for safer schools.
  34. I just want to go to work on Monday and smile and laugh and enjoy my last week before I get a much needed eight week break to take care of me.
  35. Thank you for listening.