When I finished reading this book I understood that the pain I felt in my chest every day before I left for work was fear. I was grateful to finally understand. I now know how to set myself free.
“You will realize that you not only have the ability to find yourself, you have the ability to free yourself.”
Right here. Right now.
I really cannot explain why those are the words that I heard after writing this quote. But as soon as I wrote them, I paused.
Back in the Kitchen Club. Late 1989. Or possibly early 1990. My first year of teaching and I can say, with 100% certainty, that my 22-year-old teaching soul had not yet been tethered.
I googled Kitchen Club and couldn’t believe what I found.
Nightspots Come and Go but South Beach Remains Popular
written by John Lannert
The Sun-Sentinel
December 29, 1989
I was a first year kindergarten teacher. My dream job. A turtle. Easels. Paint. A housekeeping center. Journals. Author Studies. A wild rumpus. An oven. Joy. Laughter.
I even have a bookmark Tomie dePaola sent us after sending him letters to show our appreciation for his collection of picture books.
But very soon, it all changed.
My principal wanted to see me. The same one who had told me that she couldn’t wait to hire me, because my passion and enthusiasm were contagious. I was just what she was looking for.
But this time, I was told that the other kindergarten teachers didn’t understand me. It was then that I learned the horrible truth. Teachers judging teachers was part of the norm. Because this is a system that thrives on competition. With Teacher of the Year being the ultimate goal.
I felt a tightening in my chest. Maybe that was when it all started. When my teaching soul first became tethered.
Either I needed to change or I needed to get them to change. The sad part was that she didn’t really seem to care, as long as everyone was on the same page.
The problem was that a parent had requested their child be moved into my room, and she could not have that.
That day, I learned that teaching wasn’t just about the research, and doing what was best for children. It was about fitting into a very broken system.
Of course, I transferred, but it never got easier. That was the start of my very difficult journey. Trying to find happiness in a field that never quite accepted me.
“Why do you even tolerate that voice talking to you all the time? Much of what the voice says is meaningless.”
I started by breaking up with that voice. It’s been hard. But I have been doing great. No more listening to You need to…. What if someone walks in? What if they find out…? What if…?
“You feel enthused about your job until someone criticizes something, and then you want to quit. It’s your choice.”
Since reading this book, I can honestly say that I have been enthused.
“You become a source of light for all those around you.”
I hope so.
“Somebody says something, and you start to feel the energy get a little strange inside. You will actually start to feel tightening. That is your cue it’s time to grow. It’s not time to defend yourself. If it normally causes you to start talking, you stop talking. You just stop, mid-sentence, because you know where it will go if you continue. The moment you see the energy getting imbalanced inside, the moment you see the heart starting to tense and get defensive, you just stop.”
This has been quite the test. But I have stopped myself a few times. And yes I felt the energy get a little strange inside, but I made it through and then I was able to quickly get back to my students.
“You can wake up in the morning, look forward to the day, and not worry about what will happen. Your daily life can be like a vacation. Work can be fun.”
This is the funniest part. Since reading the book, I pretend that I am boarding a Day Cruise, where I have offered to spend time with the kids on the ship. And that actually wouldn’t be a ridiculous scenario.
“Fall behind the noise.”
I am getting so much better at this.
“Somebody can say something to you that can cause your heart to react and catch fire, but then it passes. It’s a temporary experience.”
And Singer is absolutely correct. It absolutely passes. And that feels so good.
“Do you want to be happy, or do you not want to be happy? It’s really that simple. Once you make that choice, your path through life becomes totally clear.”
When I read that, I knew I was sold. Of course I want to be happy.
“Affirm that all you want is to be at peace and to appreciate life. You don’t want your happiness to be conditioned upon the behavior of other people.”
This has been the best feeling. To walk into work and not care what others think of me.
“Daily work is fun. In fact, it’s easy. Your work is just what you do with yourself during the day…”
This was my aha moment. I thought why not just decide that this is easy. I know how to teach. I know how to be with kids.
This book has absolutely changed my life.